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(pas de sujets) [avr. 4e, 2006|11:14 pm]
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Take this quiz at QuizGalaxy.com</td>

yes, I am a nut.
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ahhh so [fév. 6e, 2006|11:11 pm]
[Humeur actuelle |angryangry but motivated]
[Musique actuelle |my beating heart - thump, thump]

well I should be doing my massive amount of homework (i'm getting clobbered this week) but instead i'm sitting here, being thoughtful and ya . . .
I felt very hopeful today, and then let down.
I was supposed to meet with this study abroad guy to talk about going to Ecuador and Europe and I was really excited, but then he wasn't there and they are rescheduling me for next week!! that seems so unbelivably far away. well, yes.
I guess.
My sister is bringing home so so much food from tully's. 10 cinnamon rolls, heaps of sandwiches. croissants. they're all so rich and buttery they make my fingers shiny when I pick them up. She says they just throw it all away if she doesn't take it. Since no one in my family is going to take on the tremendous job of eating all that and getting to be a big poofy marshmallow, we're giving most of it to Zephyer . . he doesn't stop eating! We had to stop feeding him, tonight, we never thought he would just keep eating! he gets really excited, but I think soon he is going to be one fat puppy.
When I was walking to my class, I saw all these tiny tiny little birds, hanging upside down from the tiniest branches, picking off the fresh green buds. I noticed them because I had seen one of them the day before, dead, lying on its back in front of our garden. It looked so peaceful, so alive. Its eyes were bright open and shiny. I stared into them for a while, to make sure it wasn't still alive, and I thought I saw them blink. I wondered if he was paralyzed and couldn't move. I hope not.

just thought of this . . I am pissed off about all the freakin sexist songs on the radio!!! I just turn the radio on and the songs I hear are so nasty and degrading!
one song I heard "I want a girl who will do what I'll say, who'll give it up whenever I say." the lines don't even rhyme, besides who wants to date someone with no mind? that just does whatever you tell them to? that would be so f-ing boring and mundane and ANNOYING. It is scary that some people want that kind of thing. when you actually write the lyrics down, take it out of the song, you can see how freaking sexist these words are. and so many people just hum and sing along, don't realize what they're saying!! just oh, this song is good.
I tutor at a middle school and this 8th grader was downloading all these NASTY (and I mean nasty) songs. I asked her why she liked the songs and she said she doesn't like the words, she just likes the tune and the way the guy raps. I know everyone goes through a mindless stage, some just don't get out of it. I talked to her for a bit about discrimination and how there are other rappers who don't have misogynist songs -there aren't many though- but she didn't care, and I wasn't that surprised about that. Tupac has some really cool songs (Keep ya Head up, The Blacker the Berry, the Sweeter the Juice . . i don't know if that is the name . . . where he calls upon the culture to stop treating women the way they do, and bring up their children knowing not to "hate the ladies, that make the babies." But I wouldn't have cared in 8th grade either. That stuff is like a sickness, it is poison and it slips in unnoticed too often.
its not just rap either, although I think rap is the worst with sexism. Some whiny punk band I heard on the end was singing about how "I'll keep you my dirty little secret." Being called "little" connotes that the girl is helpless, ignorant, cute but . . . not on the same level. It means being below whoever is "big" - which seems to be the singer. and then the "dirty" part . argh that is so messed up, cuz at the same time she is being infantilized, she is also being sexualized. a girl whore, because she is "dirty"? That combination is just really disturbing. ah and then the whole meaning behind "keep" and "secret" - just so much dominance, power, in that one little line. that song annoys me so much. it pisses me off, I feel like there is so much sexism, hidden - but only hidden because we are so used to hearing and seeing it, we have become blind to it. well it's time to stop being blind! who wants to date a mindless child whore? not me. but from listening to the radio, you'd think that was the cool thing to do.
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my cat is walking ot on my keyboard [jan. 30e, 2006|09:11 pm]
[Humeur actuelle |nice and not stressed]
[Musique actuelle |water in the sink]

so I started a new diary today! i like starting new diaries, it is always very exciting and seems full of possbility. I looked in my hot pink bin I have, where I keep all the journals I 've written in. I like looking at them, picking them up, I didn't start reading them because I knew I would get sidetracked from my politics reading but . . i like having all those journals. they give me so much insight into who I am now, by knowing who I was. There is so much I can see that I couldn't then. I have 16 now. Its really exciting that I started keeping one when I was 7. That one is getting hard to read though, because I wrote it in pencil and it is really smudgy now. Its just funny reading about what occupied my mind and worries - my sister stealing a purple dinosaur was monumental. anyways, my politics book is staring at me and my cat is all over, so . . . ciao chicos!
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snow and trees and Why is a Raven like a writing Desk? [jan. 25e, 2006|09:55 pm]
[Humeur actuelle |nice]
[Musique actuelle |Yo la Tengo]

So I was driving home, and then this just started flowing into my head. I'm glad that i don't have to be high or depressed to be creative. Here's what I remember from what I was composing in my head.

unarticulated words
falling like snow
within my mind
my thoughts are blanketed in pure white drifts
one indisinguishable from the next
sparkling innocent
my thoughts are rendered
alien and
I am a 19th century sailor, my wooden ship is
bound by sheets of ice
It would work better if
I was a walrus and could slip
underneath the unmarked
into the fertile ice-cold water
the surface is shifting, the map is useless.
While on land I was unwieldy
in the ocean my body
returns to grace
rooted ideas
strong leafless trees
stand fierce against
the snow
hard roots thrust between the soft furrows
of my brain
clench more than I know
amid the sparkling white drifts
and the brown-black trees
with wrinkled eyes of bark
a figure
gazing with wonder at the unarticulated words
falling softly
to the white drifts
she digs
with her mittened hands
scoopfuls of snow
soar like doves behind her.
They herald peace,
the snow has frozen many secrets
held as
shards of
[but they are not all manifested in this way. Some of that is just a fantasy]
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(pas de sujets) [jan. 16e, 2006|12:11 am]
[Humeur actuelle |thoughtfulthoughtful]
[Musique actuelle |humming refrigerator]

oh wow so a new quarter has just begun. not a new semester, a new quarter. I think I will be mixing those up for a while. this new school year is bringing with it so many hopes, fears, uncertainity, change. It is all looming ahead of me, like a low cloud. it makes me nervous, honestly. Why? I think why it makes me so nervous is because I am the one who made the decisions that landed me where I am now. At the UW, far away from whitman, in a school that is bigger than the town I live in, in a city that is bustling and vibrant and confusing and wonderful, full of rain and splashing water and slippery bricks. it is scary because i think . . what if? did I make the wrong decision? I think about all the happiness and spontaneity and lying in bed all day and walking to Reid really late to eat and being able to run a room over and talk to daniela, run down the hall and see alex. being able to walk to the library with alex, stay up late studying, recognize everyone in my class. but when i look over my old journal entries from when I was there, i see such stark whites and blacks, such colorful highs and such jagged lows. there never seemed to be much middle ground there. i know that me being sick contributed to that, as did the unreasonable workload, that I couldn't just plow through or shrug it off like it seems some people were able to do. It makes me confused, and angry with myself, that I just couldn't make myself better. that i couldn't just pull it together . . that even the most average things during that time could set me off like an explosion, and then I'd be gone, lost and blind. I miss the feelings of college from whitman. I miss people. I know this transition won't be easy . . I know that I fell in love with the U the first quarter I was here - the huge variety of EVERYTHING, and the exciting new people i met. I just didn't feel closed in anymore. i feel so much freer. not being caged in by my addiction keeps me from feeling so insane and trapped too, that freedom wasn't there before. I'm just hoping that my first perception of this school wasn't just a honeymoon that will wear off. it is really frightening I guess, making these decisions that will change the course of my life. but i make those everyday, i beleive. this one is just more obvious.
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yay! [déc. 11e, 2005|12:29 am]
[Humeur actuelle |dorky]

Your mind is subconciously thinking about Monkeys.

What are you subconciously thinking about?
brought to you by Quizilla

this is funny those monkeys are cute!!! yay
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weirded out. [déc. 11e, 2005|12:07 am]
[Humeur actuelle |lots of energy]

you are going to get lost in the woods on a hiking
trip. you will be exploring, but you won't find
your way out of the woods and will starve to
death. but before that you will have a great

How will you die? (beautiful pics!)
brought to you by Quizilla

wow this is scary and morbid. makes me kind of frightened to go hiking, honestly!!! If I was a real explorer i'd probably be like YEEEAH!! i'm gonna die explorin' mate!!! and hike every day for the rest of my life. but no, my reaction is that next time I go hiking I'm gonna make sure I have a good map and a compass. and lots of extra food. ok.

it is strange thinking about your own death, no?
Es peregrino pensar de tu propio muerte, no?
C'est tres etrange penser de votre propre mort, no?
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bright lights too late I should be sleeping [déc. 10e, 2005|11:42 pm]
[Humeur actuelle |happy but now angry]
[Musique actuelle |nothing]

ok so i feel super frustrated and slighty sad and a little angry. crappy combo, ya know? i know that swear words are the way inarticulate people get their points across (thats my theory anyways) but FUCK GODDAMNIT Arrrgh!!! i feel like a wild animal tonight.
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(pas de sujets) [nov. 23e, 2005|01:45 am]
[Humeur actuelle |moved]

i don't know why, but i was just remembereing all of this . .
the day after the day after the hurricane. we had escaped from the shelter, left behind George and STeven, we didn't know exactly where we were going or if we would even get there or even what the world looked like beyond the perimeters of the shelter. i felt like i was stepping off into the unknown.. i must be a similar feeling as to what the explorers felt, sailing off in their ships away from what they knew . . there was fear but excitement. i remember hugging george and then steven, and i felt like we were abandoning them. i wanted to take them with us, but no one knew anything, and with so little gas, it didn't make sense. i remember looking at them as we drove away. it was sweltering as usual out, there was already sweat dripping down their faces. all our shirts were smeared with red dust and stiff with dried sweat after spending so long in the shelter. i remember being sad and worried. when i got back to the Renaissance, i was shocked, not only by the surroundings but by the way the people there were acting. power lines danged precariously across the street, a telephone pole hung at a 45 degree angle over fallen trees below it. the street was blanketed with branches and debris, but someone had cleared one lane underneath it somehow, right underneath the precarious telephone pole and dangling lines. we inched underneath it (why did we do that in the car? we weren't thinking) and turned the corner. we found a place to park . . you couldn't tell where the street was anymore because there were so many trees. power lines snaked through the debris. my apartment building was missing a corner of the roof and lots of various pieces. i later found most of these in the pool. as i was entering the renaissance, i saw A--- leaving. her face was scared and her voice was almost frantic. she was the only person i saw who seemed to be taking what was going on seriously. the renaissance was dark and hotter than hell. ghost-like pale and glistening girls slunk around the halls moaning and complaining. the smoking porch was cloudy with pale smoke, everyone sat outside puffing and bitching. inside, buckets of ice sat with water bottles all cold and juicy. somehow the cooks were there and had made a hot lunch. this is what really shocked me. at the shelter there was no water, people were fighting over it and there was hardly any food and what we had gotten was left over from mcdonald's (it was un-thawing. gross.) but here, the people were throwing it away!! half-empty water bottles lay around. no one seemed to realize that since there was no running water, the bottled water wouldn't last forever. walking out to the parlor, i found a group of girls talking about what to do. M told me she was hearing voices and was circling the building with a broom. i felt so bad for her. no one knew how to reach to anyone who could help. no cell phones or regular phones worked. people were frantic to use this one cell phone that was intermittantly working. it was every person for themselves, there was an animal quality to the tone of people's voices, to the underlying meaning in their movement, in the stare of their eyes. then i walked into the day room to find K sitting there humming and playing with glitter pens and construction paper. some understood the craziness and seriousness of it, but others just didn't at all. the smell of sewage was beginnning to permeate the building, it got much worse as the day went on in the heat. i walked back to the halls which were shockingly dark even during the day. nurses tried to keep order and made bitchy threats, which were mostly useless but still intimidating. i saw L walking outside, a tree had fallen through her room. she told me she was staying nonchalantly. i miss her. later she told me she left the next day when the water ran out. we took a picture in front of a house buried by trees. i didn't quite feel right about that. the food was wonderful to have but that place was a hell hole. i loved mississippi but i hated that building. I walked to my apartment, so so so glad to get away from the poisonous chaos of that building. walking through the apartment complex, it seemed like the indian people were almost celebrating. they were talking fast in their language and laughing, looking wondrously at the chunks of concrete parking lot that were missing, seemingly engulfed by the creek, and the huge oak trees that had been toppled. the women were carrying buckets of water to and from the pool and then hoisting them up to the upper levels with ropes and pulleys. i remember them laughing. the men wandered, seeming confused, around the parking lot, stopping at a red car that was underneath a large tree. they stopped talking when i walked by.
we fucking left the next day. ms.tommy told us we woudln't make it, that we'd be stuck outside of jackson and screwd but we left anyways. she was yelling at us as we left, telling us to come back, to get into the day room, warning of vicious repercussions. we still left, although we were scared. there wasn't any other choice. i was ECSTATIC when we found that gas station.

and that one night, the last night in the shelter when i didn't sleep at all, that night when george and steve slept next to us in chairs to protect us but the whole stadium was awake and so loud. just ambient noise. i went outside. i felt alone and seperate. i was plunged into the deepest softest darkness when i stepped outside. there were no cars roaring along the interstate. it was blanketed with trees. there were no planes in the air. they had been replaced by thousands so many stars just so many of them. more than i have ever seen in my life at one time. the sky was illuminated. there were no planes criss-crossing or harsh golden green and red lights being thrown up from buildings at the sky. no it was just soft soft darkness. it was so beautiful i wanted to sleep out there. but i was too scared to.

ah i don't know what brought that on
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Goodness [nov. 4e, 2005|10:30 pm]
[Humeur actuelle |refreshedrefreshed]

lots of calls from friends and a nice night.
I feel loved and happy :)
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